Just one small step for a woman...

There was a time when I LOVED cooking. And I did an awful lot of it. Dinner parties were often. Every week I would experiment with new recipes and ingredients. And everything was always wonderful. I enjoyed it all. The planning of the food, the cooking and preparation, but mostly I enjoyed the sharing of it with others.

Many years of singledom has meant that I don't cook so often for others anymore. Combinations of the finances involved in fancy dinners, availability of friends who are not committed to children and long-distance friendships, have all contributed in part to the waning of the feasting.

I used to still maintain the fervour of cooking for myself - for quite a while - but now it all feels too hard. Meals have become more laboured, and honestly, they just don't taste as good as they used to.

So it is with much shame that I admit my final degeneration. I have, after many many years of always preparing everything from scratch*, bought one of those packets of flavouring to which one is instructed (by the handy pictures on the rear), what ingredients are required to make the "delicious" meal presented on the front of the packet. I was embarrassed purchasing it. I felt embarrassed cooking it. I am only
one small step away from buying frozen dinners. What have I become? And importantly, how do I turn back from the face of Hell?


*Pasta (including tortellini - hand chopped), pastries, all manner of sauces, jams, pickles.......

Do everyone's preparations for a date include a bikini wax? Just me?

Happy Belated New Year and all that...

It is about time I return here isn't it? I must admit that I had a lovely break sans blogging for a few weeks. Christmas came and went, and a New Year passed in with me tucked happily in bed well before the midnight hour. I went home to Brisbane for a Christmas break, bringing Isabella with me, and all was lovely, although I must admit that by the time I was due to leave, I was very much looking forward to returning to lovely Melbourne. Maybe too much of a good thing is just that....

And so we pass into 2008.

I have never subscribed to resolutions. If you need a life change - just do it - don't wait for a nominal date. But I suppose some people need something to prompt them in the right direction, and apparently January 1 is that prompt. At least for a month or so.

Despite the fact that I didn't celebrate the new year, I must admit to being a little happy that 2007 drew to a close. Very little about the year was particularly happy for me. The major happiness of the year for me was, of course, Isabella. I admit to being totally besotted and in love with her. Every day I marvel at this little creature who has totally captured my heart and imagination. She has changed me in so many small ways - for the better. She has become, in some ways, my very best friend. And when I am away from her, I miss her so much. She makes me smile when nothing else can, and is there to cuddle when I need to cry. My heart was broken in 2007, and is still not right, but I fell in love with this precious girl, and love every day I get to spend time with her.

My failings for the year include still being in contact with Bond and having deep feelings for him - despite the heartbroken and obvious disappointment that he brings. I also went off my anti-depressant medication for a few months. That turned out to be a bad experiment, but hopefully one that I have learnt from. I felt ok, and figured that I didn't really need the drugs anymore. I thought that maybe I really didn't have depression - who knows, maybe the doctor got it wrong, and it seemed so tacky to have depression!?! But when a sinking episode gripped me around late October and didn't let go, I began to have doubts about my dismissiveness of the diagnosis. I have never felt so wretchedly awful in my life. Days of feeling despair and contemplating how to end the overwhelming pain and sense of futility that engulfed me. I cried wondering when the tears would ever stop. All the joy in my life felt like it had dried up, never to return. Thankfully, my therapist and I discussed it, and I once again returned to the medication in mid-December. Slowly the blackness has lifted. Laughter is returning. Never again will I go off the medication, but I never want to forget those dark times - so I can remember why I need the drugs so much.

My other failing for the year was not reaching 50 books read in the year. I got to 46 and just couldn't make it there. My inspiration for this goal was a blog that I enjoy immensely called (quite creatively) 50 Books. I will try again this year to get to reach this goal. Perhaps I will get a little closer this time.

Rather than setting in concrete some resolutions and major aims for the year (book reading aside!), I have decided that my mantra, if you will, for the year is to be "This year things will be different." I am not sure yet how this will manifest, but I know things must change in my life, and they can only change by changing my attitude towards them.

So how is everyone else doing so far in '08?