"I can't stand up for falling down"

I have never pretended that I am glamorous or elegant. I think my potty mouth usually dispels any mystery there. I am capable of being quite adept on my feet when there is music playing (evidence my attempts at tap and other dancing), but I really don't possess great hand/eye coordination. I nearly always wear shoes with some sort of significant heel, which takes some level of skill to master. Many years of practice has meant that I am enviable in heels, and Subtle admittedly likes the swagger that a heel adds to one's walk.

But generally I consider myself a little clutzy. Although I have no great history of self-inflicted wounds, as in broken bones and the like, my clutziness was proven two weeks ago when I managed to fall down some stairs and sprain my ankle*. In bare feet. With no alcohol. I have been trying to find ways to dramatize the story - at the very least to make it sound less pathetic. I have been asked was I drinking heavily? No. I was also asked what sort of activity was I undertaking - wild and exotic dancing? None - just walking. I also have tried telling people that it wasn't my fault - Subtle pushed me down the stairs, but really it is more believable that I am just clumsy (and he wasn't home at the time anyway - but no matter).

The irony of the situation is that as I was walking down the stairs, I was cuddling Isabella, reassuring her that everything was ok**. The words "Mummy wouldn't let anything ever happen to you" were barely out of my mouth when I collapsed in a screaming bundle, almost squashing Isabella into the bargain. She ran for safe cover from my weeping and moaning, while I had to hop to the phone to tell Subtle I had hurt myself.

Clearly I need to not only work on my personal balance, but also train the cat to autodial for assistance. I am now hobbling, and out of tap action for a few weeks. I hope that regular programming will resume shortly! To add insult to injury, I am reduced to wearing flat open shoes to work. Oh for shame....



* My sprain is apparently "quite bad" with a full tear of a ligment, some sexy bruising from my toes to my calf and some quite stunning swelling.

**We were staying in another house with a large, sort of dumb (but well-meaning), dog at the time.

Special dates

Today marks a special occasion. My blogiversary. This day five years ago, I put finger to keyboard and began this blog. I was inspired to start the blog because of Miss Pear, whose former blog has now gone on hiatus. I think I felt I just needed somewhere to write things down. Over many years I have "journaled", although not with any great commitment, and whenever I travelled, I have attempted to write down my escapades.

I don't know what my original plan was in starting a blog. My therapist has discussed my blog at length, although she has never read it, and ponders my need to discuss my life with the world. I don't really know what I wanted to do or prove with this. But, here it is, five years on, still going and I find myself still looking to it for comfort and solace, and some sort of unloading place. There have been times when the blog is the only place that I have been able to truly express how I feel about something. And in the expressing, feel better for it.

Don't suppose for a moment that the blog has been all candy canes and puppy dogs. There are moments when it has been "discovered" and caused me some grief. At those times I have questioned my motives, and pondered whether I should shut it down. Strangely, the blog has won out above all. I think I always came to the conclusion that this blog hurts noone, and is a part of me.

I have always endeavoured on here to be true to myself, and indeed true to whomever reads it. To preserve some sort of privacy, I have used "part" anonymity for myself (although those people who know me in the real world are a different case), and anonymity for all those I mention who don't wish their lives to be public.

For a long time, my blog was a sort of bug-bear with relationships. I felt the need to keep it from many I may have dated, probably as a means of preserving some part of myself and also for fear of what they might think. There have been men who I have seen, who read the blog, either whilst with me, or after we parted ways. And the result was always a negative. Either to me or them. Until Subtle.

Subtle has been reading my blog for well over two years before we ever met face to face. In meeting him, as in meetings I have had with other people via my blog (yes, Kiki that includes you!), was a little awkward. Here is someone who knows an awful lot about me. They have no reference or knowledge of my life except via what I have chosen to edit to the world. But, in a way, meeting someone who knows some of the worst, and best, bits of your life and is still intrigued or interested in you - well, it is pretty special. To be accepted by people is always a pretty nice thing. And then, for Subtle to continue to get to know me - knowing that our lives would end up on here for public scrutiny - has been even more amazing.

I suppose I regard this blog as part of my therapy, and part my life. Five years is a long time and anyone who has been reading along with me for all, or any of this time, I thank you. All comments are always read and appreciated, and I always wonder about the people who stop by and look into this little portal of my life. Sometimes, when one is down and lonely, these virtual friends via here have been a lifeline.

I wonder whether sometimes it is time to say goodbye to blogging. But I don't think so for me just yet. So I will beg your patience with me a little while longer and invite you to share the journey of my life here for a bit more.

Thanks for a great five years!

Facing up to (in)adequacy

I joined Facebook early last year. I am not sure exactly why I signed up, when really I don't seem to do much with it. I know that Subtle and I "announced" ourselves via Facebook, and I have added Photos to my page. I joined Isabella to Catbook, which I suppose says more about how doting an owner I am than anything else. Recently I have become a little overcome with a word game on Facebook called Pathwords. It is very similar to a word game I have played before on my PDA, but now I can compete against the world - if I should set my mind to it.

But I am beginning to be worried. Facebook is turning into an addiction. And for only one reason.

I find that I spend my time typing in names of people I have known to find out where they are and what they are up to now. It is interesting and often shocking to see how people have changed. The men that were gorgeous, are now balding and overweight middle-aged men. Women I went to school with, are now mothers, with many children in tow. The last few days has brought an unexpected flurry of people from my youth back into my life via Facebook. It is a strange feeling to see twenty (!) years fall away and look at faces from so long ago. But the feeling I am getting is not just a bout of melancholy, or a desire to catch up with them.

I am feeling a huge sense of inadequacy. Fucking inadequacy! I look over photos of people and look at them looking happy, married, with children, travelled, working/living overseas, and whatever else they might have achieved and trying to compare myself. I think over the things that I could have done, or perhaps, should have done, and question decisions and lifestyles and constantly compare.

It is totally ludicrous, I know. But still I find myself on my morning drive this morning, thinking about the photos of one girl living it up in Brazil, and another who skipped her way through a zillion countries over the Christmas break with her handsome and successful husband. For some reason, and isn't it always the way, their lives look much more exciting and glamorous than mine. Sure they may have suffered ups and downs over the last two decades since graduation, but in those little snapshots we choose to show the world on Facebook, they look so much more interesting than my little life right now.

Don't get me wrong. I am very happy in life right now. The best I have been in a very long time in fact. But it all seems a little insignificant and twee right now. Clearly I need to stop comparing and just get on with my life - the way I always have. Of course, it doesn't help that at the moment my boss is using a little emotional bribery on me, work is a little stressful, Subtle and I are looking into "finance issues", I am questioning my property decisions and reviewing the things I want for this year and the next few years. So, no biggie really.

Maybe I need to go cold turkey on Facebook until this passes. Hmm, let's think about that.

A meme... bite me!

I don't often do meme's, but this one over at Princess Crankypants warranted an exception to the rule. Do as you will with it - although I would be interested by anyone's elses to any or all of the questions.

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?
Met someone and started a healthy relationship.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions and will you make more for next year?
I don’t make resolutions per se, but I did say last year that this year would “be different”. Some things definitely were. Yay me!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes, Miss Katja begot the very delicious Alex.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No. Thank goodness.

5. What countries did you visit?
USA, Russia, Ukraine, France. Whew!

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
Wisdom, patience and common sense!

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
June 10th. Subtle happened.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Sustaining a relationship for longer than two weeks. And having him live in the same country!

9. What was your biggest failure?
Spending the first few months still letting Bond fuck with my head – despite knowing better.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I got much healthier, but got injuries as a result. Damn that running thing!

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Oooh.. my shiny new car, pink laptop, databank and awesome new clothes! Economic downturn? Piffle…

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Mine and the entire USA for voting for change.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
Mine. But less so…..

14. Where did most of your money go?
Seven weeks in Russia, a new wardrobe and a new car.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Hmmm, I got quite excited about coming home to Subtle after being away for weeks and weeks.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
Tears dry on their own – Amy Winehouse

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder?, b) thinner or fatter?, c) richer or poorer?
I am a fuckload happier, much thinner and a little poorer. But did I mention the thinner and happy!!!

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Read.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Waste time thinking about Bond.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
Lunch alone with Subtle. Marvellous.

21. Did you fall in love in 2008?
I found a fantastic friend, and then fell in love with him. Best thing ever.

22. What was your favourite TV programme?
My favourite programme will always be Buffy, but my favourite NEW programme is Dexter.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Strong word. But no.

24. What was the best book you read?
Split between Pride and Prejudice and Jane Austen.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Finally appreciating Coldplay.

26. What did you want and get?
A new car and a wonderful man.

27. What did you want and not get?
To move into the apartment I have bought – still awaiting its completion.

28. What was your favourite film of this year?
Burn after Reading.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I was 37 (!), and I had dinner with Rob. As always, it was both depressing and enjoyable.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Not stressing about money….

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
They call it a concept now?

32. What kept you sane?
My angel, Isabella.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Wil Anderson. Don’t you know that he is my boyfriend/husband to be…..?

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
I don’t get stirred by politics. But I was intrigued watching things happen politically from Russia, with respect to the rest of the world.

35. Who did you miss?
Nicole.

36. Who was the best new person you met?
Subtle.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
I should worry less about what my mother thinks and says.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

I shouldn't play myself again,
I should just be my own best friend,
Not fuck myself in the head with stupid men

Neighbours, Everybody needs good neighbours

I don't think I am what would call a bad neighbour. I am not really bad, in so far as you don't have to worry about me playing the stereo loud at 3am, or for trashing the place. But I don't seem to bond with my neighbours.

In no place I have ever lived in did I become pal-ly with the neighbours. It would be nice to have neighbours that would watch out for you, collect mail if you are away - that sort of thing. The closest I have ever gotten is when my ex-husband absented himself from my life, I decided to go and talk to the one neighbour we had, so she would know not to expect to see him around - and if she did, well, it was a bad thing. We had a lovely chat - really quite a nice lady. But then I moved, and I was back at square one.

Living in big apartment blocks is not necessarily conducive to becoming buddies with ones co-habitators, but I think it is really something to do with me. I try to say hello, or to deliver a welcoming nod in their direction. But rarely does it go well. The two sets of neighbours I did manage to meet and even converse with, quickly ended with them moving out about a month or two after meeting me.

It is only recently with Subtle now living with me that we may have happened upon on a reason that the neighbours don't talk to me.

Sex.

More specifically, noisy sex.

Of course, I am referring to a rather squeaky bed frame that I seem to own. But during an occasion of an intimate nature the other day, there began to be comments outside our bedroom window that may have been aimed at us. Or me. Not sure at this point.

I have often joked about some people who lived upstairs from N and I who had, what we called, "Nazi Sex". Their sexual routine involved the opening and closing of windows and blinds, a lot of "Heil" and then vigorous love-making noises. Oh, we laughed. But now I fear that I am the brunt of many jokes. Oh dear.

To make things a little more awkward, Subtle and I are moving to his parents house to house-sit for the next two weeks whilst they are on holidays. His father has already made some comment about "use the bed as you wish", when giving us the low-down on the house. Perhaps it would not be good for them to return from holidays to traumatised neighbours. His family lives in deepest, darkest Suburbia - perhaps a bit of traumatising them with squeaky bed is needed! Either that or the skinny dipping that Subtle has suggested.

How goes everyone after their festive season? I have been having a lovely time doing little and enjoying it immensely. I know that there are a few of you out there interested in what Subtle ended up giving me for Christmas. Well, he gave me lots of stuff. Stuff like a DVD I "needed" to watch, and even more Christmas CD's, as well as lollies and chocolate, and then some more sweet stuff. He gave me tickets to see one of the funniest men around - Dylan Moran. And finally, he also gave me the best kick-arse iPod sound dock around (I am iPod addicted) - see below!



But those are the tangibles - and yes - what good tangibles they are. But more than that, he gave me one of the best Christmases I have had in a very long time. I mentioned in my last entry that I often found the magic of Christmas waned by the day itself. The build-up to the day was wonderful, but then left me at a bit of a downer once the presents were opened. Not this year. We opened presents and had a lovely breakfast at home. We went out for lunch - just the two of us - and then visited friends and family for the remainder of the day.

And it was all fantastic.

The day held a little bit of that magic that had been missing for so long. It wasn't just the great presents, but it was the fact that I spent the day not in stressing about food, or relatives behaving, or preparing for disappointments. The day was spent with someone I love very much, and feeling and sharing that love. It was the best Christmas yet - Thank you my darling Subtle.