Conventions

I never think of myself of being non-conformist. In fact, I think I am incredibly normal, and positively dull on occasion. I go to work, five days a week, and partake in a few little hobbies on the side. I don't drink to excess very often. I don't smoke. I don't inject, swallow or smoke anything illicit. I borrow books from the library and return them on time. You know, normal.

Strangely it seems, with the wedding plans, I am apparently quite the non-conventionalist. I left a woman I work with, both shocked and appalled when she asked about some of my wedding plans recently.

She began by asking to see my engagement ring.

NON-CONVENTIONALITY #1...... I have no engagement ring. There will be a ring. Of course there will be. I want BLING. Massive, fuck-off, drag-hand-on-the-ground, avert your eyes for the brightness type of Bling. But that bling is not coming until we get married. After breaking the news to this woman that there was no ring for now, I commented that hopefully the ring will be there on the day, since there was still quite a significant amount of it to be paid for. She giggles and says to me, "But that is not your problem to worry about!"

NON-CONVENTIONALITY #2...... I am paying for my ring. In fact, at this stage, I am paying for most of the wedding. Finances are such at the moment that Subtle doesn't have many spare pennies. In good time, I hope this imbalance will be sorted. But for now, I am the main bread-winner and therefore, chief bread-slicer. I briefly explained this to her. She tried to not look disappointed and shocked. No matter, she picked herself up to forge on with what would be her final question, "So what will your name be after the wedding?"

(Apparent) NON-CONVENTIONALITY #3......I am not changing my surname. At this point, R who had been sitting (mostly) quietly by, could no longer suppress his comments. He interjected with, "I am voting for 'Cathy'!". I tried, futilely, to explain that firstly I had been married before and changed my name that time. It didn't work for me. I hated it. I didn't feel right. MY surname is what feels right. Secondly, I am not 23 any more. (The age at my last marriage.) At 23 years old, my life/career was just starting, so changing my name was no big deal. At my age now, I am more established. I am comfortable and known. So there will be no name-changing.

I tried to rescue the conversation by laughing it off and saying "I know, I am a disappointment as a bride!". But no such luck, for her I was a wasted bridezilla opportunity.

So to further disappoint people - here are the other things NOT being done for our wedding.
- I am not being walked down the "aisle" by my father.
- I am not being "given away".
- We are not having a wedding rehearsal dinner.
- We are having no readings at the ceremony.
- We are having neither groomsmen or bridesmaids.
- We are not having a sitdown dinner.
- We are not having a "first" dance.
- I am not wearing a garter or any of those other silly ornaments.
- I am not throwing a bouquet.
- We are not having a formal photographer.
- I refuse to walk the aisle to the strains of "Here comes the bride!".


But I am wearing white.

Relatives: Can't live with 'em. Can't kill 'em.

Having been married before, I sort of knew what I was getting into when beginning to arrange this shindig called our wedding. I knew that there would be tantrums (mostly mine), apathy (mostly Subtle's) and family dramas.

In my former life, the family dramas were all played out by ex-husband's mother. In simple terms, she was a nutter. She had declared that I had to have the ex's sister as a bridesmaid. Then she declared that she wouldn't come if we got married in a Catholic church. The final clincher was a week out from the wedding, his sister claims that he sexually abused her when she was about three years old. He would have been five. Did I mention his sister was a nutter as well? A bona fide locked away type nutter. I should have known then that things were not well in that family. But I married into it. And then divorced from it.

This time I was prepared for smooth sailing. No obvious nutters in Subtle's family (well his sister is a little strange - but nothing compared to what I have deal with!) and other than a few financial issues, all seems good from our end as well. And then *my* family decided to go crazy.

I don't know how people in Hollywood who have fifteen marriages do it, mostly Vegas-style with only them and Elvis I suppose, but there is something weird about re-inviting people to your second wedding. Something a little bit deja vu about it all. So in an effort to not "feel weird" and to also keep down numbers, we have opted for (a) a fairly informal wedding reception, canapes, drinks and cake, (b) a registry office service and (c) a small(ish) gathering of friends and family (note the order of importance there!). So that said, of my large extended family, I invited only three aunts, one uncle and two cousins. And this is where it all fell apart.

Apparently, one aunt and uncle were offended that I didn't invite their son and his wife. They were so offended that they rang my parents and hurled all manner of disappointment and bad manners their way. They claimed that I did it maliciously and clearly don't like them, their son, his wife and made intimations about what it might mean for the future of the family.

FOR FUCK'S SAKE!

I thought I was saving them the bother of more presents for their errant relation (me!) who clearly couldn't make good on the first marriage. I also thought, well, I don't see them much, and hell, Subtle isn't inviting ANY of his cousins, so I don't need to really get them all coming. But you know, apparently not. So, in the spirit of trying to preserve the relationship my parent's had with one of their closest relations, I invited the son and daughter-in-law. God knows if any of them will now come. And really, it makes one not really care if they do or not. They weren't upset about not coming because they had wanted to celebrate our day with us - they were upset because they perceived that it was meant as some slight on their family!

So now I am left wondering, will Subtle wonder what he has married into after the behaviour of my kooky family?