The way things make me feel

Many years ago a friend of mine was seeing a man whom she quite liked. He had come out of a marriage/serious relationship a few years before, and although i wasn't sure if this was his first significant relationship since then, it certainly was one of note. My girlfriend was VERY eager for marriage and a family. The whole box and dice. But this guy's behaviour was not in keeping with that life plan. In fact, it seemed quite obvious to me that he was still not over his past relationship and in fact, was still suffering. I said to her once, when asked on my thoughts on him, that he seemed to be still not over his ex, and that she should be careful with him. But she couldn't see it. She replied, "But that was ages ago. He SHOULD be over her by now."

They broke up. Because, he wasn't ready for a relationship, because he wasn't over his ex. (Very rarely can I be insightful with regards to relationship advice!) She wanted to tell him how he SHOULD be feeling, and it just wasn't right for him and he certainly wasn't ready.

Of late, I have been encountering some resistance from some people around me telling me how I SHOULD be feeling right now during my pregnancy. My mother is a prime perpetrator, as well as some other women whom I have encountered. If I complain that I am feeling not particularly enamoured with this whole pregnancy thing, because I am tried of the zillionth pregnancy induced headache, or my hips are aching, or whatever else it is, the response I get is, "But you should be LOVING this time of life. It is a beautiful thing." Sure it might be an amazing thing to create life, although it seems every bogan can do it without nary a worry, but you know, what it does to your body is not that beautiful.

There are so many things I was aware of happening, like the getting bigger and potential swollen ankles (not yet) and stretch marks (also, not yet), and nausea (some early on). But it is the millions of things that I didn't know about. Oh like, the stabbing pains from your ligaments around your uterus when they stretch. The constantly sore breasts. The weird changes in the look of your breasts, no, not the size - I have some funky colours going on down there. The unexplained inability to sleep, despite being exhausted at all times of the day. The funky changes in bowels, and references to discharge that I didn't think I would have to know about. But most of all, the most annoying thing is the stories that you get told by people about their birthing experiences. Horror movies have nothing on those tales.*

If someone has a blissful pregnancy experience, well, good for them. And if someone has an ordinary experience, well, it just sucks doesn't it? So really, I don't want someone telling me how I should feel. It is how it is, and hopefully, all will be good in the end.



*Although my favourite story was by a colleague who told me about how most of the labour was a bit boring, and late at night, so she dozed off until it got more important for her to be awake. She is my new role model.

I won't even start to apologise for the time between posts. You will just nod and think, sure sure, and I will be grasping at straws.

I haven't blogged for a variety of reasons. Mostly due to not having anything to say. How is this possible you may ask? But, well, when the only things that have been going on in my head are baby/pregnancy related, I can well imagine that that topic will grow thin very quickly for many of you reading.

So here I am at 26 weeks pregnant. When I am sitting down, I look down, and feel like I am bloated after a big meal. But when I look in the mirror, oh god. There is definitely something going on down there. Subtle assures me that all looks well, and he just looks at my unchanging, lovely, visage. Sometimes a suck-up is appropriate. And appreciated.

I have various levels of stress going on at different times. Mostly, there is stress about well, this THING coming and what I shall do! Being responsible for it and all that. I do keep telling myself that far stupider people than me have raised healthy happy children, surely we can manage. Secondly there is stress over finances. With 12 weeks until arrival (I get the fun of going early), the money in the bank is starting to look like all their will be, and I am trying to work out how to manage paying all the bills, having some time off and not going insane. The latter looks like it might go down the list of priorities.

But the one thing that gives me stress, which shouldn't, is my mother. How do you deal with a mother who is projecting her wants from her own birthing experiences onto me? Plus add in the fact that my mother does have a plethora of issues, prior to this pregnancy. My mother has been waiting since, oh, my first period at the age of 12, for a grandchild. 27 years. And boy, don't I feel that pressure. She would like to be in the birthing suite, and views getting to see the baby any more than 15 mins after its arrival, as being their "too late". But she asks about when "I" would like her there, and then ignores my requests. I could perhaps say, "Sure, you can be there", and then have Subtle and the nursing staff restrict her access. Then at least I wouldn't be the bad guy?

We are off tonight to visit my family and friends interstate, so I daresay there will be more venting over the weekend that the ever patient Subtle will have to wade through. Until later, I will provide reports and casualty counts from the weekend.