My monkey and its spanking

I am in a quandary. I am searching for a word, and none feels appropriate. Tell me gentle reader, what is the best term to use for masturbation for a woman?

Masturbation. It just sounds so brutal and masculine. Other alternatives like "wank" and "jerk-off", are all so visual and indicative of the male act of self-pleasuring. Maybe it is the similar beginnings to both masturbate and masculine? Does this mean that I will be assuaged by coining a new term? Femturbation anyone? And frankly, I was never completely happy with She-Bop - maybe it is just the Cyndi Lauper association.

Of course, I suppose the question comes to mind - why the obsession with a word for, supposed, "female" masturbation? Did I mention that it has been over FIVE months since I have seen Bond? 'nuff said.

I've got a protractor, Got a stapler now, it goes "Ka-ching"

There is a time in one's life at school, when confounded by some mathematical problem, one may have asked the question, "When will I use this in real life?". And indeed, for the most part, it is a rare thing that I find myself contemplating the integration of numbers of the application of Fourier transforms, and imaginary numbers.

But even more simply, the humble compass and protractor, whose inclusion in every school requirement list, baffled more than me. More often these things were used for puncturing ears rather than any mathematical application. And let's not even think about the use of a sextant!

I questioned all of these things, until this past weekend.

Often people question my work finding it curious, unique, and maybe, just a little sexy. Over a get-together last weekend with some girlfriends, I have occasion to happen upon the required text for a girlfriend's work and study. The title of this tome, "Blood Spatter Analysis", and with such an inviting title, I just had to delve in. I was greeted with colour photo after photo of traumatised corpses and crime scenes. My stomach is iron-clad, and it was so interesting, that I kept turning page after page. And then, lo and behold, there was the mother-load. Blood splashed up a wall, and there, intent and earnest, was the crime scene investigator with protractor in hand.

Happy mathematical days indeed!

I have, on more than one occasion, attempted to describe Bond to people. Generally people's reactions are surprise, since superficially, nwe are quite different creatures. Tonight, I was thinking he encapsulates, in many ways, the All-American, apple-pie persona. And then I relaised - I hate apple pie!!! Fuck.

I just wrote a lovely post about what is going on in my head and all that at the moment, and as I went to spell-check it - it was all lost. Good on you blogger.....!!! Of course, now that I have written it all out once, do you think I can be arsed to write it all again?