Sunday, October 21, 2007

Some professional chit-chat and some melancholy rambling

I have had quite a week at a conference where the most taxing thing I have had to do is keep up with companies trying to sell me things in consuming alcohol. Every night there was another function by a vendor forcing alcohol and food upon me, and all the while I was trying to keep my professional demeanour.

What was that - could I hear a pin drop in disbelief?

Ok, so perhaps my demeanour was a little more relaxed than other people in the same situation. Can you blame a girl when she meets not one, but two completehotties ? Of course, one was an infant with no interest in a middle-aged woman, and the other was some sort of religious nut-bag (he had a cross tattoo covering his entire upper arm FFS !!!). Nevertheless, I made friends with some vendors who have declared that they would love me to come to the next big Physics meeting, in LA in a week, just so I can continue partying with them.

Oh yes, I was a consummate professional.

Did I mention that Bond is apparently planning on being at the meeting in LA as well?

I have to own up at this point that things are confused in my head at the moment with regards to Bond. Yes, even more confused than normal. The hot boy from Brisbane that I met, of course never rang, or emailed. So my heart still finds itself yearning still for Bond. My head knows exactly what it should do, but my heart won't let it. So the confusion goes on. I want to say to him "Fuck off and stop fucking me around",
but something is stopping me.

Perhaps that something is the total fear that no other man will find me attractive, the way that Bond did. I fear that no other man that I find amazing and interesting and sexy, will think the same of me, the way that Bond did. I still find him the most intriguing man I have ever met - and some of that is probably the fact that he wanted me.

I am so lonely. Lonely beyond comprehension. There was a time when I could say I had really close friends. But I don't have those anymore. Those people are all ensconced in couple-dom and have quite happily abandoned their single friends - or at least me. And somewhere along the way, the singles I know are not my closest friends - and in fact have people who fulfil those positions already.

I suppose I just want someone who wants/needs me. And that is where Isabella comes in isn't it? I had hoped to make this a slightly more up-beat post - but, well, bite me.


Jules said...

I did read all this post then move on to the next one on bloglines but then felt I needed to come back and comment.

I am happily married and have been with my now husband for nearly nine years.

Before we got hooked up (and it literally a drunken hook up between mates), I was very lonely and had a continuous in the background man (let's call him Turbo for lack of a decent alias". He would be there at the pub when I was vulnerable, or he would not be there when I really needed him. I fooled myself that I loved him, and in some ways I really think I did. We had a great time sexually but other than that, we were mates but not good ones. He used me, I used him but I was so damn lonely that I constantly thought we were meant to be. I moved islands to get away from the horrendous hole it was dragging me into. That was my saviour. In absence I realised the true extent of our relationship, fuck all.

He is now actually the husband of a great friend.

All I think this random babbling is for is to try and let you know that you are not alone in feeling like this.

Also, having been in a couple since I was 23 and most of my friends being single, believe me, we still want our single friends to come and visit us and drink wine and talk shit. We still love you and still want you around.

Anonymous said...

maybe throw caution to the wind, take a gamble, and fly to the Physics thingy in LA?

Anonymous said...

i do feel like biting you!!!
ffs get out there and push your own barrow.
(i know that's easy to say, and i'm sorry that you are feeling down).

Cath said...

Jules - I know that he is all bunches of bad for me - that is a given. But that doesn't make it any easier when he is the only man I have met in many many years who I like, and who thinks I am attractive. Superficial it maybe - but no less true.

Anon - Just checked frequent flyer flights - and I waited too long - no flights available to get me home. Destiny?

Laughing Boy - "Push your own barrow".. is this a masturbation euphemism?

Cath said...

Oh and Jules.. if the couples want us singles to visit - why don't they ever invite, and why do they turn down all my invites?????? Sinister forces at work here methinks.

Anonymous said...

There are two ways to skin a cat [bad joke given Isabella's lack of fur] however ..... frequent fly over, purchase return ticket at earliest opportunity! That's destiny.

Anonymous said...

ha it wasn't meant as that...but i like it just the same.

wife (calling me while i'm in the shed): hon, what are you doin in there?
lb: oh, just pushing my own barrow.

Jules said...

I think the couples feel like they are out of the loop, why the fuck would anyone want to visit us and our kids etc? I know that I get so comfortable in my little family life that I often don't like to step outside the box. Doesn't mean I wouldn't love to be there. Do referred to couples have kids? That can be a real hard one for getting out.

And I so understand the need for you man.