Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Happy Belated New Year and all that...

It is about time I return here isn't it? I must admit that I had a lovely break sans blogging for a few weeks. Christmas came and went, and a New Year passed in with me tucked happily in bed well before the midnight hour. I went home to Brisbane for a Christmas break, bringing Isabella with me, and all was lovely, although I must admit that by the time I was due to leave, I was very much looking forward to returning to lovely Melbourne. Maybe too much of a good thing is just that....

And so we pass into 2008.

I have never subscribed to resolutions. If you need a life change - just do it - don't wait for a nominal date. But I suppose some people need something to prompt them in the right direction, and apparently January 1 is that prompt. At least for a month or so.

Despite the fact that I didn't celebrate the new year, I must admit to being a little happy that 2007 drew to a close. Very little about the year was particularly happy for me. The major happiness of the year for me was, of course, Isabella. I admit to being totally besotted and in love with her. Every day I marvel at this little creature who has totally captured my heart and imagination. She has changed me in so many small ways - for the better. She has become, in some ways, my very best friend. And when I am away from her, I miss her so much. She makes me smile when nothing else can, and is there to cuddle when I need to cry. My heart was broken in 2007, and is still not right, but I fell in love with this precious girl, and love every day I get to spend time with her.

My failings for the year include still being in contact with Bond and having deep feelings for him - despite the heartbroken and obvious disappointment that he brings. I also went off my anti-depressant medication for a few months. That turned out to be a bad experiment, but hopefully one that I have learnt from. I felt ok, and figured that I didn't really need the drugs anymore. I thought that maybe I really didn't have depression - who knows, maybe the doctor got it wrong, and it seemed so tacky to have depression!?! But when a sinking episode gripped me around late October and didn't let go, I began to have doubts about my dismissiveness of the diagnosis. I have never felt so wretchedly awful in my life. Days of feeling despair and contemplating how to end the overwhelming pain and sense of futility that engulfed me. I cried wondering when the tears would ever stop. All the joy in my life felt like it had dried up, never to return. Thankfully, my therapist and I discussed it, and I once again returned to the medication in mid-December. Slowly the blackness has lifted. Laughter is returning. Never again will I go off the medication, but I never want to forget those dark times - so I can remember why I need the drugs so much.

My other failing for the year was not reaching 50 books read in the year. I got to 46 and just couldn't make it there. My inspiration for this goal was a blog that I enjoy immensely called (quite creatively) 50 Books. I will try again this year to get to reach this goal. Perhaps I will get a little closer this time.

Rather than setting in concrete some resolutions and major aims for the year (book reading aside!), I have decided that my mantra, if you will, for the year is to be "This year things will be different." I am not sure yet how this will manifest, but I know things must change in my life, and they can only change by changing my attitude towards them.

So how is everyone else doing so far in '08?


Kerri said...

Yay you blogged! I live vicariously and am unashamed and unabashed to admit it!
I am delighted you have formed so strong a bond with Miss Is it is not to be dismissed, there are many a treatise written upon the importance and value our beloved animals provide! I truly understand this and do not allow anyone to diminish it in any way
NYE is a chore to be endured annually and to be avoided by being asleep early, I was blessed to be visiting my dad's little cottage in the country with my beloved Dixie and his darling Inimitable Molly Brown and he spoilt me unashamedly it was great but in bed asleep in our respective bed by 10pm we both were! I agree resolutions are a guarantee of failure but changes in lifestyle, direction or focus is not and that is what people need to focus on! You will make the changes you want to and I know that for certainty, you are a delightfully strong broad with more courage than she thinks and I can only wish wonderful things upon you
Much love to you and Miss Is from Kerri, Dixie, Simone and Shadow

Katja said...

'Tis better to read 42 books that you enjoyed and grew with, than 50 that were just a chore :)

Mr Subtle said...

I thought I'd step out of the lurker shadows and wave my hand a little. I was reading your party blog thinking "Wow, I wonder when she'll blog next" and bingo - you did! It was kinda scary.

Glad you're back to blogging and the little one is still kicking along!

Natalia said...

No resolutions for me...just plans.

Owen said...

Hi Cath,

I always read your blogs and love the way you are so open about your feelings! I am glad you have a little friend and companion who will love you for ever. Cats are wonderful and despite their fluffiness and having to clean the couch off every day, I sure miss him when he's (Alex) has gone.
I look forward to you continuing on this year and I wish you all the very best in life and love.