Saturday, December 17, 2005

Chrysalis

Apparently the Christmas season is a time of increased suicides. In part due to having to spend time with one’s family which for the remainder of the year you can successfully avoid. But also, probably in part to the overwhelming sense of loneliness that can result if you are single, or apart from those you love. I often feel a great melancholia overtake me due to being single. I never chose to be this way, but when people ask “So why aren’t you seeing someone?”, one wonders how it came to be like this.

But something that has been playing on my mind of late is something far more pervasive, and certainly not directly related to the festive season. I have a great sense of my mediocrity. And I hate it.

I am a mediocre singer. I am a mediocre dancer. I am a mediocre Physicist. I can do an average job of cooking and creative endeavours. I can make a plausible attempt at appearing well-rounded in my education. I can be moderately funny, and moderately interesting.

But deep, deep down, I feel like I am teetering on something more. I can’t help but think that there is something waiting just out of reach for me.

When I get stuck in traffic, I want to scream, as I realize that I am JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. I hate public transport since it seems so average and normal. I am one of hundreds of thousands of women in their thirties wondering why they are alone. I am one of millions of people putting their little life out into cyber-space every day. I am an insignificant piece of carbon-based life form on one obscure corner of one obscure little planet in an unimportant solar system.

But one day, I hope, that like the butterfly in Chaos theory, I will make a big tornado somewhere.

6 comments:

Fresh? said...

I had my annual review last week and I realized that I've never really been outstanding at anything.

But just because I suck doesn't mean I can't have fun or be successful. I know lots of mediocre successes.

Steph said...

Better to be mediocre than be less than shitful. :)

Peter said...

...Back in the lighthouse, Homer continues to feel sorry for himself...

"I'm a lonely, insignificant speck on a has-been planet orbited by a cold, indifferent sun."

Ep 3F24: El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer

On the bright side, at least you're not a bastion of mediocrity with an unhealthy knowledge of the Simpsons...

Dollop said...

Apparently a belief of self mediocrity is a sign of the gifted.

Lee said...

You're not mediocrely funny, you're hilarious :)

Anonymous said...

While we all may be nothing more than acne on the face of the earth, you are by no means mediocre in the lives of those that know you. Your wit, compassion and presence alone tip the scales of mediocrity! Take care and look forward to catching up with you soon! Miss P