Friday, April 07, 2006

"I have a theory..."

Since my shock dumping a few days ago, I have had the great fortune of many friends offering whatever comfort they are able. The therapeutic effect of a phone call from those who care is not take for granted. As the tears dried, quite a few theories have been proposed from friends.

Theory #1: He is a gutless cad, who doesn't realise what he has given up. This is, of course, the favoured theory of the moment. Nothing like a little bit of blatant bagging to falsely prop up my ego.

Theory #2: You are choosing the wrong type of man. We need to vet all your choices in future. Another interesting theory for its lack of realism. Nice thought nonetheless of having prospective suitors in an interview type panel with PSD, S and L7. Personally, I don't know if I would wish the grilling that they would get on my worst enemy. Further, I don't really know if I "choose" the wrong type of man. This boy was all sorts of good, until he decided he didn't like me any more. How do you know that in advance?

Theory #3: You need to stop basing your sense of self-esteem on whether or not a man likes you. Uh huh. A given I grant you. But this one seems like telling me how to stop breathing. My role models in my family seem to have always drawn their esteem from the men, or lack thereof, of men in their lives. Some serious issues to surmount in this theory.

Theory #4: You seem to choose men who fall in and out of lust quickly. Hmmmm, maybe. But how does one screen for this? Maybe I interest them quickly, and then bore them just as quickly? Anything is possible.

Theory #5: He is an idiot, you are lovely and someone will eventually come along. This is the most common theory proposed, but possibly the one with the least backing. Who says that someone will eventually come along? Why shouldn't I be one of those women who ends up alone, with a lot of cats, and the quirky sense of humour? Eerie thought to think that I could have a hell of a lot of years ahead of me all alone, peppered occasionally by some meaningless sex with disinterested men.

Overall, the theories all come down to one thing. In all my attempted and failed relationships, the one common denominator is me. As my ex-husband so eloquently put it as he was leaving me, "It's not me, it is you."

The therapist's appointment has been made.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

I hear you sister, we are peas in a pod. What the hell is it that keeps me from falling in love with us? I sure as hell can't work it out.

We should make a pact that we will live together in perfect spinster harmony with our cats, budgies, Take 5 magazines and Buffy. We will live next door to Dan Murphy.

In the meantime Miss Peta and I will set to work on toilet papering his house.

Miss T

Anonymous said...

I hear you sister, we are peas in a pod. What the hell is it that keeps men from falling in love with us? I sure as hell can't work it out.

We should make a pact that we will live together in perfect spinster harmony with our cats, budgies, Take 5 magazines and Buffy. We will live next door to Dan Murphy.

In the meantime Miss Peta and I will set to work on toilet papering his house.

Miss T

Anonymous said...

Okay, so the edit didn't work and I want to fall in love with us!!!!!

Occidentally said...

Here's my completely unscientific, un-asked for, overly wordy theory: We are drawn to people based on certain "mega traits". This is nurture based rather than nature based and can cause us to be attracted to a particular mega trait or a particular "anti-mega trait". Broadly put (and no reference to you intended), notice how certain people seem to repeatedly be attracted to abusers or alcoholics or care givers or care needers, intellectual or artistic etc. because they grew up in a house where such a relationship existed.

On the other hand, but related, are people who are attracted to just the opposite of what they grew up with. The woman whose father was an alcoholic and is happily married to a man who never drinks or the child who was abused and grows up to be a parent who would never dream of raising a hand to their child.

But people are made up of much more than mega traits. There are tons of micro and medio (I made up that word) traits. That's why it's sometimes so difficult to see that certain sameness we keep getting attracted to. It is initially overshadowed by the smaller subset traits; the charming moron, the incredibly handsome hunky alkie, etc.

And while I think it's damned near impossible to get away from our attractedness or repulsion to the mega traits (even therapy can only maybe help us identify it but very difficult to change it) I think we can find the person who also possesses the right subset of micro and medio traits (and it's these subsets that I think sabotage the relationship early on) so that we can finally find a person we can be with for a long time, miserable or not.

Note: I fully understand that long-winded, unsolicited free advice is usually worth what was paid for it, but the steroids and too much coffee are keeping me up at night and I have nothing else to do... occ

Rob said...

Fine then, *I'll* say it...

I've got a theory, that he's a demon, a dancing demon... no something isn't right there.

Donna said...

"In all my attempted and failed relationships, the one common denominator is me."

Did you make the exact same mistakes every time?

I doubt it.

Don't be so hard on yourself. We all fall in and out of love, face heartache and sorrow - and the only hope is that we find that one person that loves us truly for who we are.

Good luck with your quest. I'm sure he's out there.

Rule #1 - DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF!

ozbhoy said...

The bloke is a buffoon.
Pure and simple!

peace said...

Nothing is wrong with you - you are terrific, but he just was not a person of commitment.

And better to learn this now than later.

Become a person of commitment, and that will attract someone who is also a person of commitment.

You are one in a million.

Peace.