9 Weeks and counting
Now that the prospect of seeing Bond is starting to come into focus, my insecurities and stress levels are starting rise. Some of the things I am stressing about are apparently normal - so says my therapist. But some of the other things are a little ridiculous. Yes, even I can acknowledge that some are silly. Although I can't see his face, I think I can hear Bond's eyes roll when I relate to him my issues du jour.
Let me detail for you a few of the priceless little worries playing on my mind:
1. We have never actually slept together. Does he snore? Will I want to strangle him mid-slumber? I know I snore terribly, will he want to smother me with a pillow in frustration?
2. How does he eat? I love my Dad to bits, but hate eating with him - not that he is gross - he just likes to continue talking the whole time. Will I be frustrated with Bond so much that a fork may find itself wedged in his glottis?
Note that there seems to be a tendency towards violence....
3. Does he have any of those annoying habits that irritate on repetition? For example, persistent throat clearing, makes odd noises, farts uncontrollably and without warning, leaves towels on the floor, scratches his balls/readjusts in public, flicks stations constantly on the TV, sings along with songs and gets all the words wrong, slurps his coffee, sucks air through his teeth.... ok this could be a long list. But I think you see what I mean.
4. How will he react to my odd and annoying habits? I am anal about towels being hung straight. I like my bed sheets and tea-towels ironed. I always read before falling asleep - some boyfriends have been annoyed about the bed-side light being on. Probably a few others that I can't think of - since to me they are all perfectly normal!
5. Will he still like me when he sees me? Will I still like him? Many months apart can do curious things to one's perceptions of each other. He seems to think I am this sex vixen that all men want, but I am just me. Should I just accept that maybe he just likes me, and perverted as his perception is, it is just his, and hopefully he won't have changed his mind? Will the amazing chemistry that was so strong in April, still be present when we see each other next?
6. Will he finally be able to show and express emotion to me? If he can't, am I strong enough to either demand it, or move on? I am scared I have invested so much time and emotion in someone and a relationship that is really still in the most infant stages. Then again, fears about emotions are pretty normal in any relationship when you realise how strongly you may feel - true?
I keep trying to remind myself to take it all as it comes. Enjoy the trip. Get some sex and worry about the relationship details later. But since when have I ever been laid back and let things happen?