Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Another year over...

And so the Christmas and New Year season has passed once again. Despite my former big plans for this time of year, my festive activities were generally quiet. Rob and I, with his mother and partner (affectionately termed "Team Crazy"), enjoyed a relaxed lunch and a few episodes of "Buffy". I received a few lovely text messages from friends, and overall the day passed into memory with no major disruptions.

My New Year celebrations were just as simple. A few drinks and conversation, along with some bad dancing with drunken friends, was the sum total of my revelling. Of course, on both occasions, I was all parts melancholy and joy. Melancholic thinking of who I wanted to be with, and wondering if I figured in his thoughts at all. Joyful, knowing that despite all, I have some of the most wonderful friends one could imagine.

I also took time out over this period to visit some friends in my former home town of Brisbane. The odd thing about going back to Brisbane, is that it is the only town that I know that seems to get younger with progressing years. Buildings that I remember fondly have been torn down and replaced, or refurbished beyond recognition. I can narrate my tours around Brisbane with memories of things done in each location, but as time goes on, and less of my formative years remain intact, I feel more and more detached. Maybe my loneliness of late has transfigured to feel like a lack of belonging. Nothing, except for a few select friends and family, connects me with Brisbane anymore. Sadly, I feel little in Melbourne connects me here either. Maybe because my heart is elsewhere, wondering what the future holds.

I know that time is running out for this heart of mine. I want so much for some resolution of what is happening with Bond. Lately I have felt even less affection from him. It could be my imagination. The fact that he never felt the need to send me something for either Christmas, or even for the disappointment I felt, saddens me so much. But what do I do? Clearly I have no idea, as I continue to bumble along in this quasi-relationship, where the future is uncertain and the present is unsatisfactory. I deserve more than feeling second best, and unloved. But am I brave enough to make the call and say goodbye? Do I forget this amazing man on the other side of the world, and move forward alone, again? I think it is patently obvious that I am also trying to avoid a decision.

Anyway, all of that said, I have already started things for the New Year for a life change. As much as I would not like to call them resolutions - I despise the concept of New Year Resolutions - they tend to be along those lines. This year, I would like to pull my finger out financially and get in control again. The first of these things is to get my tax return in before my accountant starts yelling at me - and yes, I know, it was due in October last year. I have started eating healthier as of January 1 - one can always do to shift a kilogram or two. Plus, I have put in motion efforts to expand my household in the near future.

So, let the Universe conspire in my favour and bring my love, friendship and fortune in 2007!

4 comments:

kate said...

me too!

Sarah said...

I don't know anything about your beau problems, but it sounds like you wouldn't even have to make a phone call to say goodbye. It's a tough and sucky situation to be in. I hope all our love lives turn around in '07.

Beige Ho said...

Have you picked a kitty yet?

MMQC said...

Things with Bond sound tough- I totally understand your need for personalized affection and it's tough really liking someone who just can't give it. Just remember, (as I often don't) that it's not a reflection on you- some people just aren't capable of giving us the affection we want, and they aren't likely to change.

Good luck with the New Years resolutions, and expanding household is always exciting, I want a kitty!

m