Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Linguistic Lessons

I am constantly learning things at the moment. It was said to me once that being in a relationship is just as hard as being single - no matter how good it is. At the time I was bitterly complaining about my single status and some issues and problems I perceived. Now that I am no longer single, and embarking on co-habitation (the first time in over 5 years), there are a whole new range of issues and problems.

Thankfully for me and Subtle, two and a half years of therapy have finally started to come to fruition. Which is probably the reason that I am able to enjoy such a wonderfully positive and healthy relationship as I am now. But issues and problems there are. Mostly small, some large. But thankfully, Subtle and I are keen to talk about anything and everything to ensure we both understand each other and where we want our future to go.


I keep forgetting that he is there. Not literally when he is there in front of me and I stumble over him. Then, I know too well he is around! No, I mean that I sometimes forget to put his name in conversation. I shall explain. When the ex-husband and I first broke up, one of the hardest things to assimilate to was no longer saying "us" and "we" eg "When we were on holiday....". After eight years with a person, and from meeting at a young age, most of my significant life experiences up until that point had been shared with someone else - so the use of "us" and "we" was so much a part of my language that I took it for granted. But then things all changed, and I had to remember to delete the "we" and go back to "me". It was incredibly hard and felt so pointedly obvious everytime I did it. Eventually I got used to it and it then became second nature for me.

Now, nine years on from that marriage dissolution, and I am ever so happily ensconced in one of the best relationships of my life, I have to learn to say "we" again. I also have to remember to tell Subtle things. You know, little things like major financial decisions.... nothing much at all. You get so used to looking after yourself for a long time, and fending for yourself and protecting yourself (physically, emotionally and financially), that it is a strange thing to again remember to let someone else in.

Sure I can get used to the strewn dirty clothes and big sweaty man in bed - but informing him of things that I have been thinking that may in fact affect him??? That takes a little longer.

1 comment:

Mr Subtle said...

I for one, know that there will never, ever be a time where you will "get used to the strewn dirty clothes and big sweaty man in bed". Although you might like the snuggling during winter.

The challenges of all relationship are troublesome, but in reality it's always better to have them out in the open rather than blame them on the other person or attempt to ignore them.

The "us, we, etc" will come back with time. It's good to know you are making a conscious effort in this regard.

Perhaps the therapy is doing something after all??