Thursday, October 15, 2009
After having an extended break from blogging, one would expect that I might have lots to write about. Sadly, I don't. In fact, I really have had one thing on my mind of late. And that is a word. And the word is "miscarriage".
This word has been quite meaningful for Subtle and I lately. It is a funny thing when someone says "You lost the baby". How can I lose it? It was in the same place that we put it the last time I looked! But, apparently, lose we did.
Grief is a funny thing. People cope differently with it, and grief about something that was little more than an "idea" or a plan is hard to fathom and articulate. To all around you, you have lost nothing. But to you, you have lost the plans and future you had made. Subtle is stoic and wonderfully supportive, both in being there physically when I needed him, and emotionally when all I could do was cry. Yet again, I realise how lucky I am to have this wonderful man with me in my life.
The loss was sudden and physically painful. The sadness was profound, heart-wrenching, but surprisingly short-lived. Perhaps the reinstatement of my anti-depressants helped with that, as well as some good therapy sessions and time with Subtle for us to discuss and ponder it all. People around us have been caring and thoughtful. Well except for the pointed questions of "So, do they know what went wrong?". I can tell you that having that question posed only 12 hours after the "procedure", was not well received.
Philosophical ponderings of "well, it just wasn't meant to be this time", are not quite the point of recovery that I am at yet either. One day perhaps, but not today. Possibly not even tomorrow.
I know the future is still uncertain, but with Subtle by my side, I am assured that we will be okay. I am also conscious of worries about "next time", but I keep telling myself, that we will face those worries together when the time comes.