Thursday, October 15, 2009

After having an extended break from blogging, one would expect that I might have lots to write about. Sadly, I don't. In fact, I really have had one thing on my mind of late. And that is a word. And the word is "miscarriage".

This word has been quite meaningful for Subtle and I lately. It is a funny thing when someone says "You lost the baby". How can I lose it? It was in the same place that we put it the last time I looked! But, apparently, lose we did.

Grief is a funny thing. People cope differently with it, and grief about something that was little more than an "idea" or a plan is hard to fathom and articulate. To all around you, you have lost nothing. But to you, you have lost the plans and future you had made. Subtle is stoic and wonderfully supportive, both in being there physically when I needed him, and emotionally when all I could do was cry. Yet again, I realise how lucky I am to have this wonderful man with me in my life.

The loss was sudden and physically painful. The sadness was profound, heart-wrenching, but surprisingly short-lived. Perhaps the reinstatement of my anti-depressants helped with that, as well as some good therapy sessions and time with Subtle for us to discuss and ponder it all. People around us have been caring and thoughtful. Well except for the pointed questions of "So, do they know what went wrong?". I can tell you that having that question posed only 12 hours after the "procedure", was not well received.

Philosophical ponderings of "well, it just wasn't meant to be this time", are not quite the point of recovery that I am at yet either. One day perhaps, but not today. Possibly not even tomorrow.

I know the future is still uncertain, but with Subtle by my side, I am assured that we will be okay. I am also conscious of worries about "next time", but I keep telling myself, that we will face those worries together when the time comes.


Sleepydumpling said...

I just wanted to stop by with a virtual hug from the blogosphere.

Anonymous said...

As per above,
if I could give you a hug and a shoulder my dear I would

Katagal Kapers said...

I am sad for you both, so ephemeral yet so real in the early stages. "Hugs" to you both xx Kerri

Panda said...

Hi Cath, I wouldnt normally write back to your comments but there was no return email address!

I'm sorry you've experienced the heartache of miscarriage. It sucks sucks sucks and nothing anyone says makes any difference.

I'm glad you found my post about taking Lovan during pregnancy, and I want to reassure you that not only did I take it for all of my first pregnancy and end up with a normal, healthy, incredibly intelligent child, but I also took it for all of my second pregnancy and ended up with a normal, healthy, incredibly intelligent little girl. (I also took Endone for most of the pregnancy with her, with no complications, but I dont recommend it!)

Good luck.

Janene said...

Oh crap... It's been a long time since I stopped by and am sad to hear you've had to deal with this. We went through it last year... although it seems so very far away now. I know exactly what you mean when you say "To all around you, you have lost nothing"... .
For a time I really wasn't sure how I would get over it... but I did, well at least I got through it intact... even now that the intense grief and disappointment has eased it is still avery emotional subject for me.
Yes we all deal with it in our own way so all I'll say to you is... Look after each other