Just another day in my insecure world
I had dinner last night with L7, to whom I was to update all things Bond related. L7 rarely, if ever, reads this blog. She doesn't like it. She doesn't like the way I represent myself, citing that it is only the drama queen side of me that gets portrayed here - when she knows there is so much more to my personality. Fair enough. But when I was away recently, she took to reading it to keep abreast of my adventures.
Apparently, her impression from my entries of Bond, is none too pleasant. She even declared a desire to "poke his eyes out"! Of course, she has an ulterior motive. She, all too often, has had to put up with my tears and the outcome of my myriad of love affairs. She is the one that I call, sobbing, when yet another boy has disappointed me. So, when reading about his declaration of "Welcome to America", she did not find it so funny. I had to convince her that things are indeed much better than that entry might indicate. Indeed, when I showed her his photo, she said, "He is quite nice looking. I expected him to look like more of a lout."
But now I am here the next day, chewing over the conversation, having read Bond's own web-page entries and indeed doing a lot of thinking. What the fuck am I doing? How far away does he live? What do I know about him? I am insecure enough when a guy lives in the same house as me - can you imagine the potential agonies with him living on the other side of the world? Can I trust him? Should I just chock it up to a great holiday fling?
But then I think about how easy it feels to be with him. I think about how wonderful it is that I can tell him anything - no judgement, no suspicion, no ulterior motives. I think about the leap in my stomach when I hear his voice, and the catch in my breath when he says something lovely. I remember his eyes looking at me and making me feel desirable. His acceptance of all our differences, and liking me regardless of my issues and insecurities. My gut instinct tells me that he is good and trustworthy and lovely, and all I want is to have him here beside me.