Orange Crush

Kiki made an interesting comment on my last post, in reference to me and Bond and my list of 100 things. And indeed his comment, is something that I have been thinking about a lot of late. For reference, No. 28 of list of 100 things is "I worry that I will never fall in love again.". And yet, here I am in 20 days about to jet off to foreign parts to see Bond.

So let me clarify.

I do worry about my state of emotions. I have often thought myself "in love" in the past few years, with many a gentleman. But really, it was not love. They were infatuations. They were amorous engagements. They were passing flings. They were crushes. I know that what I feel for Bond is certainly more than any fleeting amour. But I am holding back. If someone were to ask me, "Are you in love with Bond?". I would probably hesitate in responding. I would hesitate not because I am unsure of what I am feeling - of that I am quite sure. I hesitate, because I don't know how he feels. I am scared of making a declaration both to myself, and to him, of love, for fear that it will not be reciprocated. Until I can be assured of the state of his emotions, I think I can really only say I have a crush.

Giving love to someone, without the return of same, is not love. Being in love with someone, takes two people with both the giving and receiving of love. And frankly, the giving completely of my heart to someone, is pretty damn scary.

So until I know more of his heart, I will affirm that I am scared of not being in love, but being very much "in like" with Bond.