Where I complain and whinge to all and sundry...
I won't bother with apologies about long times between posts - you know I am slack, and I know I am slack. Let's not dwell.
I have five weeks until baby No 2 arrives and I am looking forward to it, but probably not for the reasons that one would expect. Unlike a first baby, I am not excited in the same way, since we know what work is involved, and the potential dramas that lie ahead of us. So, we are looking forward to meeting out new little person, with some reservation about what waits for us.
But right now, I am in pain and feeling low. I don't think it is a resurgence of depression - it doesn't feel like that black dog making a visit. But I definitely feel, for lack of a better description, off. I have a number of things that are currently bothering me, in various ways. Let's have a look....
(i) My symphysis pubis has given up. Pregnancy hormones have softened the adjoining ligaments so that I am in, mostly, constant aching pain. Apparently, other than waiting until the hormones leave my body, there isn't much I can do, and activities such as walking and lifting (say, a toddler) are not recommended.
(ii) Lucy is currently rejecting me. A lot. And I am not handling it well. She wants her Dad all the time, and physically screams and hits at me to go away when he is around. I will freely admit that I am taking this very hard and am constantly on the verge of tears about it. Saying "it is only a stage" only works for so long when day after day I see her giggles and smiles and cuddles with Subtle and I get very little. Subtle tries really hard by trying "group" hugs with her and saying "we love Mummy", but when I see her pull back at those times, it just reinforces it.
(iii) Money. Always a stress, currently playing on my mind constantly as I am about to take some maternity leave.
(iv) At 16 months (and two weeks), Lucy is still not talking. I know there are variations in each child, but she says NOTHING with intent. Lots of sounds, but nothing repeatedly. I worry about her language and vocal development and wonder at what point I actually do something about it and see someone. I also worry about looking like one of those paranoid, over-the-top mothers.
(v) I am tired, sick and useless most of the time. Because of the pelvis pain, and struggling this time with either nausea, dizziness, or both, I am feeling rather limited about what I can comfortably do. Realistically, I can comfortably do nothing. And I don't handle doing nothing well. It is sad when even sleeping doesn't give me respite.
Ok, so that is enough for now. Four weeks of work to go, which I hope will help me keep distracted from at least some of the things bothering me.