"It's not you, it's me....actually, no it is you."
As no surprise to anyone, save Santiago himself, I tried to break it off with him the other night. Without precisely saying that I didn't really want to see him anymore, or that he really doesn't seem to have much about his person that makes me want to see him more, I tried to give him the "impression" that our romance, as it was, had waned in my mind. He had always said that he wasn't really looking for a relationship, and that he should "let me go and find someone who will give me what I want". So having that already said, I was hoping to use his own "out" clause for my devices. Being told all this, seemed to come as a shock to him. I think he liked the idea of dating someone without the pressure of actually progressing it any further. So, I told him, that I was "keeping my options open" and "still looking". I think if someone told me that, I would politely walk away - but apparently Santiago is made of sterner stuff.
I realised one thing when trying to prepare for "the talk". I don't think I have ever really dumped a boyfriend. I remember telling a boy in Grade 12 that I didn't really see anything working with him - but our "relationship" had consisted of a couple of sweaty gropes and a few phone calls. The memory of the break-up is still with me. I think I found it incredibly confronting when he began begging to be allowed to continue seeing me, and then when the tears fell, I knew that this was much harder than I had certainly ever imagined.
The ex, N, and I came to more of an agreement about splitting - although I think it may have been prompted by him overhearing a phone conversation I had. It can't have been good for him to hear how unhappy I was. Mutley tried to break up with me, but I was in such a state post-separation that I was not prepared to be dumped again. I believe I did some begging of my own, so that I could then "dissolve" our quasi-relationship approximately a week later.
So why do I have such difficulty calling an end to something that is not really giving me any joy? Appears I am just gutless I reckon.
One girlfriend makes breaking up with a partner easy. She waits until she has found someone else, and then lets the old boy walk in on her in bed with the new fellow. Harsh, but at least there is no mistake about what is going on.