The things that people say...

I am a great talker. (Please feign surprise if you can....) That said, I never feel the need for making idle conversation just for the sake of it. This has been the reason in the past that I have had difficulty in finding a new hairdresser when required. Similarly, finding someone to attend to my pubic topiary needs. I don't want to discuss the most inane things - frankly I would rather I could read a book and let them get on with it.

The same goes for idle chit-chat at parties and so forth. I detest the superficiality of many conversations, when it seems its only purpose is to fill the air with sound.

But my most LOATHED form of idle chat is the one I seem to be getting a lot of late. (In fact, both Mr Subtle and I.) It seems that since our nuptials, over three months ago, whenever we see someone that we may have not seen since then, or before, their only form of conversation is the question, "So how is married life?".

I can't tell you how frustrating and ridiculous I find this statement. I had taken to replying, with some element of glibness, "Oh just the same, except now I get to complain about my husband, rather than my boyfriend." I thought, perhaps, that this reaction was limited to myself, especially since I can be a trifle grumpy with people I perceive as stupid. But, thankfully, my darling Mr Subtle said that he has been getting inundated with the same question, and he too has come up with his standard answer. For him, he replies, "About the same, except now I get to wear this pretty ring!".

Bless him!

Relatives: Can't live with 'em. Can't kill 'em.

Having been married before, I sort of knew what I was getting into when beginning to arrange this shindig called our wedding. I knew that there would be tantrums (mostly mine), apathy (mostly Subtle's) and family dramas.

In my former life, the family dramas were all played out by ex-husband's mother. In simple terms, she was a nutter. She had declared that I had to have the ex's sister as a bridesmaid. Then she declared that she wouldn't come if we got married in a Catholic church. The final clincher was a week out from the wedding, his sister claims that he sexually abused her when she was about three years old. He would have been five. Did I mention his sister was a nutter as well? A bona fide locked away type nutter. I should have known then that things were not well in that family. But I married into it. And then divorced from it.

This time I was prepared for smooth sailing. No obvious nutters in Subtle's family (well his sister is a little strange - but nothing compared to what I have deal with!) and other than a few financial issues, all seems good from our end as well. And then *my* family decided to go crazy.

I don't know how people in Hollywood who have fifteen marriages do it, mostly Vegas-style with only them and Elvis I suppose, but there is something weird about re-inviting people to your second wedding. Something a little bit deja vu about it all. So in an effort to not "feel weird" and to also keep down numbers, we have opted for (a) a fairly informal wedding reception, canapes, drinks and cake, (b) a registry office service and (c) a small(ish) gathering of friends and family (note the order of importance there!). So that said, of my large extended family, I invited only three aunts, one uncle and two cousins. And this is where it all fell apart.

Apparently, one aunt and uncle were offended that I didn't invite their son and his wife. They were so offended that they rang my parents and hurled all manner of disappointment and bad manners their way. They claimed that I did it maliciously and clearly don't like them, their son, his wife and made intimations about what it might mean for the future of the family.

FOR FUCK'S SAKE!

I thought I was saving them the bother of more presents for their errant relation (me!) who clearly couldn't make good on the first marriage. I also thought, well, I don't see them much, and hell, Subtle isn't inviting ANY of his cousins, so I don't need to really get them all coming. But you know, apparently not. So, in the spirit of trying to preserve the relationship my parent's had with one of their closest relations, I invited the son and daughter-in-law. God knows if any of them will now come. And really, it makes one not really care if they do or not. They weren't upset about not coming because they had wanted to celebrate our day with us - they were upset because they perceived that it was meant as some slight on their family!

So now I am left wondering, will Subtle wonder what he has married into after the behaviour of my kooky family?

Can this be over now?

Another wedding done and dusted on the weekend. Thankfully after trying, unsuccessfully, at many other functions, I finally succeeded in getting well and truly trollied at the wedding.

So much so that there was of course a drunken phone call to Bond. Made by a friend of mine. Oh, the aftermath of that call.

Well, dear and benevolent reader, we ended up on the phone together yesterday for a good hour. Just when I think no more can surprise me and frustrate me - he finds yet another level at which to stoop. A few salient details were clarified yesterday, which now put me in no doubt about where he and I are at. He would like us to be "friends". He also denies ever leading me on, despite me having the online conversations which dispute those claims of his.

Oh for FUCK's sake. Could my heart just listen to my brain on this matter once and for all? So what if he is the sexiest, smartest and most intriguing man you have ever met in your entire life! He is also a lying, cheating fuckwad living his little two-bit whorish life, and acting like he is the greatest thing to have crawled out of the primordial ooze.

I apparently read things into what he has said to me - ie it's all my fault. How would you interpret the words "I just want to see you", "When we are living together...", and the classic, "Wanna suck my thick hard cock"?

So just so we are clear on this.... he is a fuckwit ok?

The pen is indeed mightier than the sword

Now that I have the swanky little Scooter (nicknamed Gloria), I have to get swanky insurance for it. This is not as easy as it may seem. Despite the fact that I am an "experienced" driver - insurance code for "really fucking old" - I am a Learner Rider and therefore am penalised for that inexperience. So I have been ringing around trying to find the cheapest insurance I can, and thankfully I have found a (reputable) company that is relatively inexpensive.

So it was all going swimmingly. I have the cover note. I have paid the premium. But apparently I have to fill out some form, with much of the information that they already have, plus some more. There are spots to fill in on the form where you have to list all traffic infringements - hmmm, those could take a while. A few spots to list all the modifications I will have done to the bike to pimp it up. You know. The usual.

But what I don't get is where it asks for the Rider's Details. "QUESTIONS MUST BE COMPLETED IN THE INSURED'S OWN HANDWRITING". So if I get refused insurance cover, it could be because of my penmanship?